The Game High

Wassup Boys Reunited

The only thing missing from the Wassup boys is a clip of the Cubs getting swept.  Otherwise, it delivers some serious laughs.

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

A Lazy Sports Weekend (def):  When you can pass out on your couch watching college football and wakeup to live college basketball.

Thanksgiving leftovers are lethal combatants against all forms of personal productivity and general mobility. 

It's not every Saturday that one can nod off shortly after #4 Missouri took down #2 Kansas and then awake to Dickie V going nuts over Trent Plaisted and his BYU team's near upset of #1 UNC in the Las Vegas Tournament.  And just for good measure, let's throw in the 11 PM CST tipoff of the Butler - Texas Tech championship game in the Alaskan Shootout.

Waking up to live sports is so much more pleasant than staring into the 7th consecutive repeat of ESPNews...

The Finality of Sport

Good morning class, and welcome to today's lecture, "The Innate Male Ability to Watch Sports Endlessly:  Disease or Superpower?"

With the NCAA tournament bracket now set, the perfect storm of sports viewing is upon us.  Over a 4-day timespan beginning this Thursday, there will be 48 tournament games with at least 40+ hours of televised basketball available on CBS alone.

For any basketball-loving male, or any guy competing in a tournament office pool, it's not difficult to imagine him sitting on the couch all weekend soaking up the games.  For any female acquaintance of his, it's quite easy to imagine her being less than enamored with his monopolistic command of the remote control.  But why?

The simple answer:  the finality of sport.  At the end of any game, there is a scoreboard that tells you who is the winner and who is the loser.  Unless the game was referee'd by Hue Hollins (see Game 5, 1994 Eastern Conference Finals), this is unequivocal proof of who the better team was.  In life there is no scoreboard.  There are no clear cut winners or losers.  Every day is an open-ended question mark that only leads to another day.  It's just too damn complicated.  Enter sports.  A distraction from the drudgeries of life with a simplistic means of determining the outcome. 

This finality of sport is extremely gratifying to all men.  (I know this because I surveyed myself about it.)  Women, generally less deterministic about such things, derive considerably less pleasure from it.  (I know this because I asked one about it yesterday.)  The reasons why a man can watch 12 hours of football on Sunday are the same reasons why a woman chooses to watch "Days of Our Lives" all week.  Soap operas never end.  Their overall lack of finality is exactly what appeals to women.  The drama will always continue to the next day.

Understanding such gender differences might alleviate ignorant commentary from your mother-in-law when she suggests to your wife that "your husband watches so much sports, I think he might have has a disease."  Of course, there is a fine line between a passion for sports and a sports addiction, but I can't think about it now because I have a bracket to fill out.

Between the tournament games and the north side St. Patrick's Day celebration all happening this Saturday in Chicago, this town is set for one massive hammer-to-the-head pounding hangover come Sunday.  So if you're stuck on the couch without the strength to move, there's only one thing you can do.  Watch more basketball.   

The Overblown Story of the Gay Athlete

So former NBA baller, Big John Amaechi is gay.  Run for the hills!  The major new media outlets in this country were expecting, perhaps even hoping, that John Amaechi's coming out revelation would generate all sorts of controversy.  But upon soliciting comments from current and former NBA players, did they have some big, controversial story on their hands?  Absolutely not.  Instead, we find that most players could care less (Charles Barkley, Tracy McGrady).  Of course, there will always be a few ignorant reactions or oddball comments about trust issues amongst teammates (LeBron James).

But more importantly, the anticipatory coverage of this issue only seems to further implicate major news media as an aging, bigoted behemoth that has completely lost touch with the younger generation of America.  Generations X-Y-Z, which includes most professional athletes, grew up in a world entirely more tolerant and open-minded than their generational predecessors.  That's not to say racist and homophobia don't exist, but we've certainly come along way.

If big news media want to investigate the issues of homosexuality in sports, they should also point the finger at themselves and report about the complexities facing gay and lesbian news reporters.  The major network television news studios share just as much of a locker-room mentality as sports teams, minus the showering.   

Most younger Americans are simply not enamored by the whole "gay athlete" sensationalist news coverage.  But once the media has drained every last drop of news from the John Amaechi sponge, they will predictably turn their coverage to gay athletes in all sports.  Perhaps then, someone will finally notice the WNBA.

College Football Analysts swallow BCS semen

Anyone watching the Sugar Bowl pregame show on FOX last night would have heard their studio analysts' unrequited love for the BCS bowl system over a playoff system.  In fact, they used the Boise St. upset over Oklahoma game as evidence for NOT having a playoff system.  Why?  Because Boise St., with their defense exhausted, needed weeks of preparation and a series of gimmick plays just to overcome Oklahoma.  A team like Boise St., they argued, would have no chance in a playoff system because of all the "true" powerhouse teams they would have to face.  To which I say, that is f**king ludicrous!

No doubt, it would be difficult for Boise St. to manage its way to a playoff championship game, but why not give them a chance?   Last time I checked, Oklahoma had just as much time to prepare for a bowl game as Boise St. did.  As did Notre Dame, who got their asses thoroughly kicked by LSU.  If anything, there's probably too much time between the end of the college regular season and the bowl games.

If Boise St.'s undefeated season is devalued because of their "little guy" program status, then why have them in Division-I at all?  Why not create a Division-"We're-Better-Than-The-Rest-Of-You-Suckers" that only includes the top 30 teams from the previous season?   These teams would exclude themselves from all conference play and simply play other top 30 teams all year.  No more fluff games against Middle Tennessee St. or Lousiana-Lafayette.  I want to see Alabama at Florida in week 1.  The playoff would simply be based upon team records, just like the NFL.  Except this time, the 10 worst teams would be jettisoned back to Division-I with the opportunity for 10 new teams to take their place the following season. 

Let's stopping fooling each other into believing that the BCS is anything other than a computerized means of funneling bowl money back into the big conference schools.  It's a system set up to prevent smaller schools from ever getting a chance of playing in a lucrative BCS bowl game.  The major conference schools keep a majority of the bowl game proceeds, which are then used in turn to hire the coach of the mid-major school who just out-coached their asses in a bowl game (see Urban Meyer).  A farm-system is thereby maintained where the deep-pocketed schools will always lure a good coach away from a smaller program.  After all, what coach doesn't want a chance to win a national championship?   

The Attack of Al Michaels

When it comes to sports, I'm sure Al Michaels has seen it all.  His play-by-play voice has been broadcast over every major sport, from the World Series, NBA Championships, and the SuperBowl, to the Miracle on Ice.  He very well might be on broadcast autopilot, yet, he still manages to "bring it" on every sportscast he presides over.  And by "bring it", I mean his bellowing voice, penchant for hyperbole, and ability to still get excited about a meaningless (for playoff purposes) football game between the Bears and Packers on New Year's Eve.

But Al Michaels is out of control.  Sunday night on NBC Football, Al Michaels' mouth literally came out of my buddy's plasma television and started eating our pizza.  I told Al that I hope he doesn't mind pizza topped with Cholula Hot Sauce (a tasty add-on flavor, I might add).  To which big Al responded, "HE DID WHAAAAAT?!?!" while spewing chunks of pepperoni from his teeth.

It's not as if he's a bad announcer; unfortunately there are plenty of those.  And I don't know if working with Madden has made him more cartoonish, but his mouth seems to be stuck on over-the-top mode.  It's like watching Al Pacino on "Any Given Sunday" or that bookie movie he did with David Wooderson.

Maybe this Bears fan is just angry he sat through the Bears-Packer debacle at a New Year's Eve party attended by numerous Wisconsin natives.   The party host had prepared two serving trays full of team-colored jello shots, to be consumed if your team scored.  With the Bears going scoreless of almost 3 quarters, you can imagine the disparity of intoxication and obnoxiousness amongst the drinkers at this place.  At least I wasn't crapping green and yellow tinged nuggets come Monday afternoon.

Top 5 Worst TV Commercials Endured This NFL Season

Watching 17 weeks of NFL football means sitting through a LOT of commercials.  Having the NFL Sunday Ticket only exacerbates the situation.  No matter how much channel surfing you're doing, you simply cannot avoid today's multi-million dollar advertising campaigns aimed squarely at you, Mr. NFL Fan.

#5 - Anything involving Erectile Dysfunction

I can't even remember which ad belongs to which Pharmaceutical company anymore.  But the absolute dumbest ad has to be the one where a middle-aged man is sitting on the couch watching baseball when his disproportionately hot wife/girlfriend invites him into the bedroom for some good loving.  He solves the major dilemma of having to choose between sex and sports with the use of drugs and a VCR to record the game. 

So faced with the choice of intimacy with your girl and watching the ball game, you pop a VHS tape into your VCR and march off to the bedroom?  First off, if you're going to embrace modern medicine, you might as well embrace modern technology and get yourself a Tivo.  Second, if you were a real man, you would ask your wife to blow you while you watched the baseball game.

#4 - Every Fathead Poster Ad

Has the poster, as a consumer good, ever had a bigger marketing campaign?  Yes, these posters are big and transportable.  They are also ridiculous.  Who would put such a monstrosity in their home, besides a Steeler fan?  Although, this well-trained eye did notice that the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are now available in Fathead form.  But I'll leave the obvious jokes involving cheerleaders and fat heads up to you.  In the meantime, I'll keep watch for the MTV Cribs episode where we see Fathead posters pasted up everywhere in Ben Roethlisberger's and Chad Johnson's homes.

#3 -  Subway Sandwiches with Michael Strahan

Words cannot describe the extreme discomfort you will experience watching Michael Strahan and former fat man Jared Fogle debate the merits of Subway sandwiches.  It's the classic "Tastes great/Less filling" argument, adapted and/or plagiarized to "More meat!/Less fat!"  Sadly, I cannot find a link to it anywhere on the web.  The commercial climaxes with Strahan yelling "MEAT! MEAT! MEAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! MORE MEAT!" which sends Jared into giggling convulsions.   

Watch this ad enough times and you'll want to bitch slap Michael and Jared with a foot-long loaf of stale Subway bread.  I only hope someone has tipped off Strahan's mom as to what her son is doing, so if he ever shoots another Subway ad, she will show up at the recording studio and drag her boy off by his ear, screaming, "what the hell are you doing with that white boy?"

#2 - NFL Replay on the NFL Network

Warning:  If you see this commercial, there is a strong possibility that its song will permanently brand itself into your skull.  The entire commercial is over-the-top cheese and I can't believe the NFL Players Union allowed some of its members to participate in this nonsense.  The ad features numerous players such as Ocho Cinco, Warren Sapp, Jeremy Shockey, and Tony Gonzalez. 

Between Fathead ads, ESPN promos, and NFL Network commercials, I have seen enough of Chad Johnson's teeth to last a lifetime.   And if Warren Sapp suddenly bolted out from behind my couch and burst into song, I might piss myself in laughter.  Or call the police.  Either way, this ad doesn't need to be televised.

#1 - Chevy Silverado Trucks - "Our Country"

So much has already been written about this steaming pile of excrement, that there's nothing much left that I can offer on John Mellencamp's complete sellout and Chevy's marketing strategy.  The 9/11 clips and nuclear explosions have been cut from television spots, but rednecks across the country continue to raise their cans of Schlitz in unison when this ad comes on in their trailer homes.  I much prefer this satirical version.   

Why I stopped reading Rick Morrissey columns

Long ago, I gave up reading news columns by Tribune sports writer Rick Morrissey.  His columns always took some random angle on sporting news and his commentary always came off as whiny and misdirected.  But today, I couldn't resist the urge to follow a link to his latest verbal turd, "Bears talk of family but leave kid behind".  Oh no!  Did the Bears abandon some inner city youth program or bull-zone a homeless shelter for a new practice facility?  Hell no.

Apparently, Lovie Smith and the Bears ordered the firing of 23-year old college student, Bill Ociepka, from his statistician job at Fox Sports because he accidentally leaked the fact that Kyle Orton would start over Rex Grossman in the final game of the regular season.  Yes, this is last year's news.  And now, Ociepka is bitter than "Tank" Johnson was given a second chance by the Bears, but he was not.

First off, comparing "Tank" Johnson's and Ociepka's relationship to the Bears "family" is completely absurd.  Was Ociepka on the practice field for all the two-a-days in training camp?  Did he forge personnel relationships with Bears teammates, coaches, and staff over the course of 17 straight weeks of football?  If Lovie sits atop the Bears family tree, Ociepka should feel blessed just to be in the same forest.  Ociepka was so far removed from the inner circle of the Bears team/family, that despite whatever you think about "Tank" Johnson's actions, it's nonsense to think Ociepka deserved the same level of attention and forgiveness by the Chicago Bears.

How many college students would have killed to have Ociepka's job at that time?  FOX Sports had every right to fire someone who undermined their credibility.  And at 23 years old, it's better to make these mistakes early, learn from them, and move on.  Also, let's realize, for better or worse, the different standards of accountability pro athletes are given.  If I trash-talk, spit on someone, or go "Bill Romanowski"-style on a co-worker in my office, you can expect I won't be invited back the next day.

In the end, Morrissey's column was another total waste of print space.  And I can't believe I just took the effort to write about it, let alone read it.  Damn you, Rick.