The Game High

NFL Week 11 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Giants (-7) over the Ravens

The Ravens sport a decent win-loss record, but they haven't beaten a team with a winning record other than Miami.  The Giants are winning in the NFC East, bring a power running game, complimented with a legitimate passing offense (we've come a long way Eli). 

The Ravens defense will need to honor both the run and pass, which will diminish the effectiveness of Ray Lewis.   However, Ray Ray will continue to hurl himself onto tackles long after the play has ended and do his ridiculous dance.

Joe Flacco, on the road, against a Super Bowl caliber defense?  Taking the cover on this one.  Also, taking this video showing my virtual girlfriend just who is in charge...

Overall Record: 6-4

NFL Week 10 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Titans (-3) over the Bears

How appropriate is this post title, considering some asshole broke into our condo building this week and stole a bunch of shit from the neighbors.  My condominium was spared, thanks to a security system of not owning anything expensive.  That, and the ADP logo I cut out of a magazine and taped to my door.

Of course, making these consistently shitty picks is pretty much a guarantee of me not affording anything more that a bag of peanut butter stuffed pretzels.  But goddamn are those things tasty. 

With Sexy Rexy back flinging darts behind center, look for the Titan's front four to apply constant pressure against the middle of the offensive line.  Rex is too short and slow to avoid such a ferocious pass rush, so expect more batted balls at the line of scrimmage, 25-yard floaters into double coverage, and just for good measure, a fumbled snap (he's due!).

If the Bears can't stop the Titans ground game, it could be long afteroon on the lakefront Sunday.  Watching the Bears defense attempt flailing tackles on LenDale White and Chris Johnson might put me into a rage, but if I see one more of these fucking "Save By Zero" Toyota commercials, I'm going to kill someone.   

Finally, if these NFL picks don't challenge you enough, a bookmaker has slashed it's odds on the existence of God to 4-to-1.

Overall Record: 5-4

NFL Week 9 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Titans (-4) over the Packers

Since this pick for last two weeks has gone horribly wrong, you're best served placing bets against whatever rambling thoughts fill this post.

The Titans have won 5 consecutive games ATS, so consider this pick a kiss of death.  No time for further analysis, since it's offensive-costume-party-time.

Happy Halloween!

Who is pouring beers into this man's mouth tonight?

Overall Record: 5-3

NFL Week 17 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Patriots (-13.5) over the Giants

Here's to you, unstoppable evil football team from Boston.  All hail the smug Tom Brady and his humorless tactician of a coach.  Please accept this inflatable pink phallus as a gift offering from your humble minions.

We hope to see you riding it down the streets of Boston during your Super Bowl victory parade.  Thank you for becoming America's most hated team and for ruining the enjoyment of NFL football for millions of fans this season. 

I only hope my horrendous point spread analysis this season will work out in favor of the Giants.   

Overall Record:  5-11

NFL Week 16 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Bills (+3) over the Giants

You might argue that this weekly post is the anti-Lock pick.  You also might have made a killing betting in the opposite direction of these ridiculous picks.  Anyway, all that early season talk about Tom Coughlin loosening his micro-managing grip on the Giants and how much more fun the players are having hasn't changed the fact that they still suck in December. 

Another year, another late season collapse by the Giants and Eli Manning.  Just when you thought Tiki Barber's ginormous grill couldn't get any bigger, it just expanded wider than the shit-eating grin of the cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

So here are the Giants, on the road, facing a tough Bills home crowd, with the emotional return of Kevin Everett to the Bills sideline, favored by 3 points?  Please.

Overall Season Record:  5-10

NFL Week 15 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Vikings (-10) over the Bears

This week, a Cylon takes time from its war against the Twelve Colonies of humanity to bring you Season's Greetings, and this week's pick.

The Vikings probably don't throw the ball more that 11 times and will win this game handily.  Poor Kyle Orton will quickly learn he was probably better off staying on the bench, where he could remain safe and uninjured.  With possibly the worst offensive line in football in front of him, Orton won't have much time find any receivers, assuming they care enough to get open. 

With Orton's height and accuracy on intermediate pass routes, it would seem logical that TE Greg Olson will play a significant role in the Bears offensive game plan.  But we've all seen how illogical the Bears coaching staff has been this season.  So don't expect anything different. 

What do you think the over/under is on Ron Turner calling inside hand-offs for RB Garrett Wolfe to "keep the defense off-balance".  Wolfe makes Jaguars RB Maurice Jones-Drew look like Andre the Giant.  Ugh.

Remember kids, no matter how trustworthy someone with a red oscillating eye might appear, never trust a Cylon.  Bears in a blowout!

Overall Season Record:  5-9

NFL Week 14 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Cowboys (-10.5) over the Lions

Detroit is in a freefall while the Cowboys continue their domination of the NFC.  Julius Jones and Marion Barber should pound the ball for good yardage on the ground.  The running threat will give Tony Romo ample time to shred Detroit's secondary.

John Kitna's early prediction of a 10 win season was initially met with skepticism, then adulation (as the Lions were winning), and finally with condemnation (as the Lions began their annual collapse). 

Overall Season Record:  5-8

NFL Week 13 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Rams (-3) over the Falcons

The weekly Lock Pick is well on its way to becoming the weekly Monkey Pick.  If it wasn't for the combination of Devin Hester's heroics and Todd Sauerbrun's stupidity, last week's game would have worked out.  Good thing I resisted betting the farm on it. 

So this week, my little monkey friend is jumping up and down over the Rams.  I suppose this makes me the Man in the Yellow Hat. 

C'mon little fella, are you really sure about St. Louis, playing without Marc Bulger, their starting, concussed quarterback?

"Hoo hoo hoo, haahaa haahaa" - Monkey

Is this how far this blog has deteriorated?  Having conversations with myself and quoting monkeys?  Moving on...

For the purposes of this week's pick and the dwindling playoff hopes of my fantasy football team, Steven Jackson needs a big game.  Jackson usually finishes the season strong and he should produce at home against the hapless Falcons.  If anything, he should be well rested after missing most of the first half of the season. 

Let's just hope the Falcons don't run back two touchdowns on special teams and ruin this pick.

Overall Season Record:  4-8

NFL Week 12 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Broncos (+1.5) over the Bears

How the Bears are giving points in this game is beyond me.  Denver's team strengths are directly aligned against the Bears weaknesses.  The Broncos consistently field a solid running game, all-pro cornerbacks, and a mobile quarterback with a cannon for an arm.  The Bears meanwhile, haven't stopped much of anything on defense, struggle to run, and... oh, you've heard it all before.

On paper, these team rosters don't seem to have much of a disparity in talent.  The great differentiator, however, is in the coaching staffs.  Mike Shanahan can motivate, develop talent, and game-plan with the best.  It will be up to Turner, Babich, and Lovie to prove they belong on the same field and not superimposed over an image of "The Three Stooges".

I truly hope the Bears can gut out a few more victories this year and creep into the playoff hunt.  But realistically, their postseason hopes will officially die on Sunday.  And then we will be subjected to endless articles in the Tribune and Sun-Times chronicaling "What Went Wrong?" and what the Bears need to do from here.  The descent into hell will be slow and painful.

Is it too early to look forward to next year's draft?  There has been some amazing college football on display this Thanksgiving weekend and it's always fun to "scout" some future NFL draft picks.  Darren McFadden would look nice in the Bears backfield.  Hell, even Hawaii QB Colt Brennan looks better than anything the Bears have.

Overall Season Record:  4-7

NFL Week 11 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Steelers (-9.5) over the Jets

Let's see, the Jets are awful against the run and Pittsburg loves to run the ball, even with Big Ben airing the ball out more this season.  This game has blowout written all over it.   

So Jet's fans, how's that Thomas Jones trade working out for you?  Not that we in Chicago have much to brag about, but the consensus opinion at the time of the trade was that the Jets got a steal.   While Cedric Enis, er Benson, is plodding away at 3 yards per carry, Thomas Jones isn't exactly lighting it up either (when he's not hampered by injuries).

If there's one thing we know post-trade, it's that the Bears offensive line was suspect/borderline shitty last season too.  Their inability to open solid running lanes was masked by the cut-back running style of Thomas Jones.  When Jones took the hand-off from Grossman and realized his blockers hadn't cleared any space, he was able to manufacture extra yardage.  Even then, he still danced around the backfield too often and was never able to break off any long runs.

So it should be no surprise that Benson is struggling.  He is strictly a straight-ahead, power runner; if the hole isn't open, he's not going anywhere.  I've seen better run blocking from plastic lineman on an electric football table than what the Bears have shown this year.

Now both of these running backs, in the right offensive system, still have time to be successful.  So Bears GM Jerry Angelo must bear some responsibility for assembling such a dysfunctional offensive roster.  But an anti-Angelo tirade at this point would take weeks to compose.

How's that for some quality Steelers/Jets match-up analysis?

Overall Season Record: 4-6