The Game High

Welcome To Fukudome!

We don't need another hero.

We don't need to know the way home.

All we want is life beyond the thunderdome... 

or a World Series after 100 years of failure.  Whichever comes first.  No rush.

How NOT to Reverse a Curse

Un.  Fucking.  Believable.  Yesterday morning, someone dangled a goat carcass from the Harry Caray statue outside Wrigley Field.  So much for the Cubs making the World Series...

Getting Thrown in the Dempster

About a week after blowing a 4-run lead in the ninth against the Dodgers for a 7-4 loss, Ryan Dempster was at it again last night in St. Louis, allowing 2 solo home runs and a single in the ninth before getting yanked.  The Cubs escaped with a 5-3 win.  But at some point, the Dumpster is going to kill the Cubs season with another blown save.

Bob Howry relieved Dempster and immediately proceeded to load the bases with two outs.  The game mercifully ended on a ground out to Ryan Theriot who made a calm, collected throw to first on a tough, spinning ball. 

Just as Dempster was consistently erratic, Carlos Zambrano maintained his dominance over the Cards.  The Angry Venezuelan shut down the free-falling Cardinals, holding them to a single run in 8 innings work.

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In other news, this blog currently tops the Google search results list for "Sexual Assault with a Concrete Dildo".  A proud moment all around, here at The Game High.

Tossing Barr'oids Balls Back

Ho-hum.  So Barry Bonds knocked a couple homers out of Wrigley today, with one landing onto Sheffield, but no one threw in back into the park?  Hypocrites.  If fans are going to boo Bonds and hold up signs with syringes drawn on them, then perhaps they ought to uphold those opinions when financial gain, in the form of an historic baseball, comes flying their way.

If you consider Barry's homerun stats tainted by steroid abuse, then any home run ball he slugs should be considered worthless.  But in reality, we know that's not the case.  Steroids or not, the homerun balls for number 755 (to tie the all-time HR record) and 756 (to break it) are going to command high prices in today's fanatical sports memorabilia market.  Unless you actually believe Bonds never took steroids in his life... it's greed, plain and simple, for anyone who wishes to possess these juiced homerun balls.

But if you're looking for the ultimate form of social justice, how could you not throw back the impending historical homerun balls from Bonds?  Just imagine look on Barry's face when he's rounding the bases and sees his ball "rejected" by the fans.  You would be labeled an instead hero.  You would make endless appearances on every sports medium - talk radio, local news, ESPN, Dateline, you name it.  You would be instantly famous.  It's not everyday in America that someone upholds their moral values in the face of monetary windfall.

Plus, you would have the makings of a classic MasterCard commericial:

Transit fare on the Red Line to Wrigley:  $2

Two scalped bleacher tickets to the ballpark:  $120

Hot dogs, beer, baseball mitt and smuggled flask of bourbon:  $87.50

Catching Barry Bonds 756th career homerun and throwing it back onto the field because this world should not recognize the efforts of cheaters... Priceless.

Poor Barry.  If only he'd stayed off the 'roids, he probably wouldn't have missed so many games/near seasons over the course of his grumpy career.  Given his immense natural ability, he could have kept a slow and steady pace of homerun hitting and would probably be on pace to break Hank Aaron's hallowed record.

The Musings of Bob Brenly

To say that Chicago's local TV sportscasters are a tough listen would be an understatement.  Hawk and DJ are so wrist-slashingly awful, you're better off watching the game on mute.  Tom Dore and Johnny "Red" Kerr are pleasant fellows, but don't generate much viewer excitement.  Wayne Larrivee is downright awful when he sits in for Dore and should probably stick to football.  And hearing a post 18-holes, sun-baked Ditka call a Bears preseason game is fun for about the first ten minutes.  So that covers baseball, football, and basketball here.  As far as I know, professional hockey is defunct in Chicago.

Indeed, the only play-by-play or color commentary man I can recall anyone looking forward to hearing was former Bulls play-by-play man Jim Durham.  Durham called games with the perfect balance of passion, analysis, and fan biased rage.  He could get on the refs like no other when properly incensed.

But recently, the Cubs TV crew of Len Kasper and Bob Brenly has gone from underwelming to mildly entertaining, and Brenly deserves quite a bit of credit for this improvement.  While he doesn't bring the near prophetic breakdowns of pitcher/batter match-ups like Steve Stone, Brenly does give the listener a great feel for the ambiance and subtleties of the game.  And there hasn't been a full-on mustache this prominent in the Chicago sports scene since the days of Dave Wannestedt.

Baseball is a casual, beer-in-hand, game for the listener.  Brenly realizes this, especially at Wrigley, and paces himself accordingly.  Criticized early on for his silence, or lack of analysis, Brenly now seems more comfortable in his commentary role.   He will provide quality insights where appropriate and his sense of humor is coming out.  At this point I would enumerate a memorable list of Brenly quotes, but I'm usually too drunk to remember them. 

On Sunday against the Astros, he did liken the Cubs efforts at hitting home runs to banging on the bottom of a ketcup bottle.  You keep hitting the bottle and sooner or later that stubborn ketcup is going to start flowing.  When it was 6-6 after three innings, Brenly succinctly stated:

"The ketcup bottle is open."

With his managerial pedigree and amicable personality, it's only a matter of time before another dugout opportunity comes calling for Brenly.  So Cub fans may have to enjoy his presence in Chicago while it lasts.

Sexual assault with a concrete dildo...

...what the hell's got into you, Frank?

Couldn't resist the Naked Gun quote for this ridiculous piece of news.  In Keizer, Oregon the newly installed cement posts designed to protect pedestrians from cars are being criticized for their strong resemblance to male genitalia.

"I can't disagree with that," said City Manager Chris Eppley.  "They certainly did not turn out the way we anticipated."

So what's the solution?  The city is looking into retrofitting the posts with metal collars and chains that run between them.  Hmmmmmmm.

Perhaps a more open and tolerant city such as San Francisco would welcome these pillars of cock lest they be taken down, or should we say, un-erected?

Speaking of San Francisco, White Sox GM Kenny Williams must be heartened to see Aaron Rowand, Magglio Ordonez, AND Carlos Lee all playing in the MLB All-Star game there tonight.   But hey, at least he's got Jim Thome.

White Sox Lose 32 - 10 To Twins

The disastrous season the White Sox have put together this year is reaching new levels of absurdity.  To lose a double-header by a combined 22 runs (20 - 14 Game 1, 10 - 0 Game 2) is a milestone achievement for Ozzie's squad.  To add some perspective to the Twins offensive pummeling of the Sox, just remember that the Minnesota Vikings aren't going to score more than 30 points on any game day this year.

However, Jim Thome's bat is doing all it can to deliver head shots to opposing players.  In one scary moment, Thome lost his bat on his after-swing and simultaneously knocked out Twins catcher Mike Redmond and the home plate umpire.  Redmond had blood flowing profusely from his head and is probably wondering why the Sox haven't simply forfeited their season by now.

At this point, I doubt any of the *new* season ticket holders at The Cell would refuse a partial refund of their season tickets if the Sox just called it a season on July 8th.  After all, these are the same fans who would have shelled out over eight grand for a couple seats in 2005 in order to get access to White Sox playoff and World Series tickets. 

Oh well, I guess Sox fans still have memories of those good times a couple years back.  But whoever thought they would be fading so fast?

The Mighty Urinal Trough

As the Cubs Monday home opener against the Astros nears, we must pause and recognize the glorious monument to excremental efficiency that is the urinal trough.

[Above photo depicts a urinal trough in the wild.]

Among the many historical treasures one may find at Wrigley Field, the urinal trough under the outfield bleachers remains the ballpark's hidden gem.  Strong.  Reliable.  Resilient.  Forgiving.  While the players and fans bask under the daytime sun, the trough performs its masterful work in the underbelly of the stands.  For 81 games, it dutifully recieves a liquid onslaught that is unsurpassed by any other receptacle in the world.

As far as I can tell, amongst Chicago's sporting venues, the only remaining trough stands at Wrigley.  Soldier Field once hosted a glorious trough spectacle at the halftimes of Bears games.  But then a spaceship landed on it, and the bathrooms got all fancy with their urinals.   

So how come the bathroom room floor at Wrigley is so wet and dirty by the 4th inning?  Well, the mighty trough can only do so much.  It can't hold your penis or correct your drunken aim.  So remember kids, respect the urinal trough and you will reap the rewards of having dry shoes.

Ronnie "Woo Woo" Is Looking for a Free Meal At HoHoKam

Overall fan nuisance, Ronnie "Woo Woo" Wickers is about one Cubs uniform away from being a homeless man.  Yet every year, he somehow manages to keep on, keeping on.  Random tales from the life of Woo Woo always seem to trickle in over the course of every Chicago summer.  However, a good friend and great Cubs fan sent me this early Spring training report on Ronnie's antics.

I'm at HoHoKam today for the Cubs v A's game doing what I do at all the games... pretty much nothing except catch a little ball and bullshit with players.  As I am the concessions warehouse manager I have a radio to keep in touch with the other managers on premise.  All day I listen to the most unintelligible drivel. 

Today a call came across the radio asking if "we (the concessions company) feed the players."  A moment of silence followed and the question was asked to be repeated.  "Do we feed the players?"  The concessions manager, who may be the most clueless individual I have met, claims to be checking on it. 

Moments later, after consulting with the GM (who isn't clueless), he gets back on the radio and says..."No the team supplies their food so if they come to a concession stand they are on their own." 

Now these calls about feeding the player are coming from the stand in the center field lawn seats, a good five minute walk from any place a player could be, the bullpen being the closest.  This call was placed in the 5th inning just as the starters began to be pulled.  What player wants to go to the lawn seat concession stand, through a crowd of fans during the game for a hot dog?  Not even the biggest scrub. 

Turns out it was Ronnie Woo Woo.  The people, specifically the stand manager, thought Woo was a player.  One of the biggest laughs I've ever had.

Classic Woo Woo.

Wrigley Field: We Must Protect This House!

The gradual influx of advertising into the baseball shrine that is Wrigley Field has now infected its hallowed outfield walls.  The company logo for Under Armour sports apparel will now adorn the green doors of the outfield wall.

The Tribsters are walking a fine line between maximizing marketing revenues and keeping the charm of Wrigley field intact.  For decades, the Cubs were the lovable losers of Chicago due to the purity of the friendly confines.  But once you start messing with the fan friendliness of Wrigley, you're going to become a lot less lovable if you lose.

Personally, I'd let the black guy in the Under Armour ads stand on the pitcher's mound before the first pitch of every home game and do his "WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!!!" routine if it meant the Cubs went to the World Series. 

I know those Under Armour television ads are supposed to get you fired up, but they just come off as laughable nonsense to me.  So trying to jack up the crowd with the Under Armour slogan would simply be outrageous.  But at least that would parallel the laughable and absurd events that have transpired throughout Cubs history.  This laundry list now includes Kerry Wood's hot tub spill and his subsequent rib injury.  Speaking of ridiculous injuries, who can forget when Sammy Sosa gave himself a herniated disk injury after he sneezed?

We're coming up on the century mark of futility for the Cubs.  Can we just focus on that right now?  Put a consistently winning team on the field at Wrigley, while maintaining the ball park's purity, and the financial spoils of success will vastly exceed any profits from ads in the green ivy.