The Game High

NFL Week 17 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Patriots (-13.5) over the Giants

Here's to you, unstoppable evil football team from Boston.  All hail the smug Tom Brady and his humorless tactician of a coach.  Please accept this inflatable pink phallus as a gift offering from your humble minions.

We hope to see you riding it down the streets of Boston during your Super Bowl victory parade.  Thank you for becoming America's most hated team and for ruining the enjoyment of NFL football for millions of fans this season. 

I only hope my horrendous point spread analysis this season will work out in favor of the Giants.   

Overall Record:  5-11

Hey Paxson, Remember Roger Mason?

So not only do I return home last night to catch the end of another lethargic Bulls effort, but I get to see the ESPN game summary ticker display Roger Mason's stat line from the Wizards - Bobcats game:  24 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists on 9-16 shooting in 46 minutes.  Gilbert who?

For those keeping track, this was the second consecutive game Mason has set a career high in points (he had 20 against the Pacers last Saturday) as a Wizard.  Oh, and he's also running the team at the point extremely well for Eddie Jordan's squad.  I'm starting to feel sick.

Back to the Spurs game, Pete Myers looked awfully interim in his second stint as fill-in coach for the Bulls.  The first man off the bench against the Spurs?  Mr. Team Meeting himself, Adrian Griffin!  Ugh.

Checking the box score, the allocation of player minutes was pathetic.  The Bulls were getting routed (again), yet none of Paxson's recent draft picks - Thomas, Noah, Gray, Sefolosha - played more than 8 minutes.  Now I'm ready to vomit.

Holiday Gunfire from a Soccer Referee

In the battle of the worlds most bad ass referees, I see your Ed Hochuli arms and Jim Quirk takedown and raise you one gun-firing Malaysian soccer referee. 

There a numerous ways for referees to deal with unruly crowds, and apparently one way is to take out your gun and fire warning shots into the air.  First he throws the red card, then he goes for first blood...

Now if this happened in Oakland, the Raider Nation would have ventilated this referee in a hailstorm of retaliation gunfire.  Then he would have been hog-tied to the bumper of Dodge pickup and driven out into the desert, beaten, and left for the vultures.  Just like Aaron Brooks.

Secret Santa fires Scott Skiles

Merry Christmas, Scott Skiles! 

You knew this was coming.  And you know how the Bulls traditionally fire their coaches during the holiday season (see Tim Floyd, Bill Cartwright).  With an underachieving roster and rumors of players tuning out the coach, it was time for a change.  So rather than fire himself, Bulls GM John Paxson fired coach Skiles, the man he chose to lead to Bulls back to the promised land.

I guess this proves that feisty, white point guards aren't always the best choice for managing and coaching NBA organizations.  Or it proves that when your team lacks a superstar and fails to meet expectations, someone must take the fall.  Typically, it goes coach first, players second.

I would elaborate more on this process and how much blame falls on Paxson, but I need to make a run to liquor store in preparation for tomorrow's torture session with the relatives.

Bottle of Jack Daniels set to join Bulls Comcast Post Game Show

With blowout losses mounting and a season slipping away, the members of Comcast's "Bulls Post Game Live" show have brought in someone to help ease the pain.  Host Mark Schanowski and studio analysts Kendall Gill and Norm Van Lier readily welcome the rich, full-bodied taste of Jack Daniels Whiskey to their post-game analysis.

What was once projected as a 50-win season for the Bulls is increasingly looking more like a 50-loss disaster.  The Bulls pathetic field goal shooting, careless turnovers, and a perennial lack of any All-Stars have made it extremely difficult for Mark, Norm, and Kendall to stomach.  With eyes welling up, Van Lier explained:

Don't get me wrong.  I know I've got a job to do.  But to sit in that studio for 82 games and watch that drive-and-kick bullshit is just hard on a man.  It ain't right.

That's where the distinctive character of the Tennessee Sippin' Whiskey is expected to make a significant contribution.

Back in Lynchburg, Tennessee I was charcoal mellowed drop by drop and then left to age in a handcrafted barrel.  That took some patience, but now I'm ready to be fully consumed.  I expect my rich flavor and high proof to allow Norm and the gang to voice their true, uninhibited opinions about the Bulls.

In a recent pre-game rehearsal, Norm Van Lier spoke intensely about mooooving the basketball, taking hard fouls, and defensive rebounding.  He then concluded an expletive laced tirade by pounding the studio table with his fist.  Kendall Gill casually reiterated for the 20th time this season that he is in great basketball shape and would be available for a 10-day contract.

When asked how Jack Daniels should be kept when he's not working in the studio, a misinformed Stacey King responded, "Now, FREEZE IT.

Jingle Bells from 'Sheed. REMIX !!!

Season's greeting from Rasheed Wallace and posse.

NBA athletes and celebrities. Is there anything they can't do?

NFL Week 16 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Bills (+3) over the Giants

You might argue that this weekly post is the anti-Lock pick.  You also might have made a killing betting in the opposite direction of these ridiculous picks.  Anyway, all that early season talk about Tom Coughlin loosening his micro-managing grip on the Giants and how much more fun the players are having hasn't changed the fact that they still suck in December. 

Another year, another late season collapse by the Giants and Eli Manning.  Just when you thought Tiki Barber's ginormous grill couldn't get any bigger, it just expanded wider than the shit-eating grin of the cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

So here are the Giants, on the road, facing a tough Bills home crowd, with the emotional return of Kevin Everett to the Bills sideline, favored by 3 points?  Please.

Overall Season Record:  5-10

Welcome To Fukudome!

We don't need another hero.

We don't need to know the way home.

All we want is life beyond the thunderdome... 

or a World Series after 100 years of failure.  Whichever comes first.  No rush.

NFL Week 15 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Vikings (-10) over the Bears

This week, a Cylon takes time from its war against the Twelve Colonies of humanity to bring you Season's Greetings, and this week's pick.

The Vikings probably don't throw the ball more that 11 times and will win this game handily.  Poor Kyle Orton will quickly learn he was probably better off staying on the bench, where he could remain safe and uninjured.  With possibly the worst offensive line in football in front of him, Orton won't have much time find any receivers, assuming they care enough to get open. 

With Orton's height and accuracy on intermediate pass routes, it would seem logical that TE Greg Olson will play a significant role in the Bears offensive game plan.  But we've all seen how illogical the Bears coaching staff has been this season.  So don't expect anything different. 

What do you think the over/under is on Ron Turner calling inside hand-offs for RB Garrett Wolfe to "keep the defense off-balance".  Wolfe makes Jaguars RB Maurice Jones-Drew look like Andre the Giant.  Ugh.

Remember kids, no matter how trustworthy someone with a red oscillating eye might appear, never trust a Cylon.  Bears in a blowout!

Overall Season Record:  5-9

What the Hell is Going on out There?

Un.  Fucking.  Believable.  I've completely had it with the Lovie Smith and the ineptitude of the entire coaching staff.  How many times did the NFL Network zoom down to a closeup of Lovie on the sideline, staring blankly onto the field or muttering into his headset?  We all know you're getting schooled out there Lovie, both on the field and off it, but at least show some emotion!

You let a backup quarterback (Todd Collins, 200+ yards, 2 TD passes) who hasn't thrown an NFL pass in two years destroy your secondary.  You called a zone blitz on the biggest 3rd down of the season, on a night you couldn't pressure the quarterback with any consistency, and give up an easy touchdown pass.  Your offensive line picks up 6 penalties on a single fucking possession!  I could go on...

What we know now is that last year's Super Bowl team was a 1-year wonder.  Without Devin Hester last year, the Bears don't make the Super Bowl.  Without Devin Hester this year, the Bears don't win more than 2 games.

So how do you shitcan an entire coaching staff, one year removed from the Super Bowl?You don't.  As an organization, the Bears would never admit such fault.  So Bears fans, we're going to be tortured for at least another year of this little league game planning, antiquated Cover 2 defense, and worthless offensive line.

You might look forward to the draft, but with Angelo's hit-or-miss draft selections and the lack of instructional coaching going on, is it really going make a difference?

At least with the playoffs officially out of the picture for the Bears, fans can do something more productive these last few Sundays besides watch these fools make a mockery of professional football.  Next week the over/under on the Vikings rushing yardage between Chester Taylor and Adrian Peterson has to be over 250 yards.  That should be fun.

And now it's time for Santa to party!