The Game High

Worst. Monday Night Football Game. Ever

This was a testament of wills.  A heavy weight title bout with both fighters exchanging vicious shots to the body.  And I'm not talking about Pittsburg versus Miami.  This is about every NFL fan in America versus the latest MNF game, a riveting 3-0 victory by the Steelers.  You had to be a true diehard to wait out the game delay and sit through nearly three hours of scoreless football. 

Some amusing nuggets from this regrettable affair:

• By the 2 minute warning, I was now opening rooting for no one to score.  As Pittsburg drove to the Dolphins 5-yard line, I was praying for a fumble.  If I'm going to sit through a shitty game, it best be a classic turd.
• This moment could have been part of an NFL highlight reel.  "Just look at how this fan is laying it all on the line, sticking with this telecast to the 4th quarter, his tenacious attention span has never let up..."
• What fool bet the Over on this game?  And how in the world was it 37.5 points, given the atrocious weather and field conditions?  As a gambler betting the under, you had this game locked up by halftime.

• 17 seconds remaining.  Steelers boot a field goal!!!  Damn.

Not only was the game garbage, but Miami's season just got exponentially worse.

I'm sorry, but if your team goes 0-17 on the season AND you nearly tied the NFL game record for neither team scoring a single point (last occurred in 1943), then you are definitely setting the pole position for WORST NFL TEAM EVER.

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

A Lazy Sports Weekend (def):  When you can pass out on your couch watching college football and wakeup to live college basketball.

Thanksgiving leftovers are lethal combatants against all forms of personal productivity and general mobility. 

It's not every Saturday that one can nod off shortly after #4 Missouri took down #2 Kansas and then awake to Dickie V going nuts over Trent Plaisted and his BYU team's near upset of #1 UNC in the Las Vegas Tournament.  And just for good measure, let's throw in the 11 PM CST tipoff of the Butler - Texas Tech championship game in the Alaskan Shootout.

Waking up to live sports is so much more pleasant than staring into the 7th consecutive repeat of ESPNews...

NFL Week 12 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Broncos (+1.5) over the Bears

How the Bears are giving points in this game is beyond me.  Denver's team strengths are directly aligned against the Bears weaknesses.  The Broncos consistently field a solid running game, all-pro cornerbacks, and a mobile quarterback with a cannon for an arm.  The Bears meanwhile, haven't stopped much of anything on defense, struggle to run, and... oh, you've heard it all before.

On paper, these team rosters don't seem to have much of a disparity in talent.  The great differentiator, however, is in the coaching staffs.  Mike Shanahan can motivate, develop talent, and game-plan with the best.  It will be up to Turner, Babich, and Lovie to prove they belong on the same field and not superimposed over an image of "The Three Stooges".

I truly hope the Bears can gut out a few more victories this year and creep into the playoff hunt.  But realistically, their postseason hopes will officially die on Sunday.  And then we will be subjected to endless articles in the Tribune and Sun-Times chronicaling "What Went Wrong?" and what the Bears need to do from here.  The descent into hell will be slow and painful.

Is it too early to look forward to next year's draft?  There has been some amazing college football on display this Thanksgiving weekend and it's always fun to "scout" some future NFL draft picks.  Darren McFadden would look nice in the Bears backfield.  Hell, even Hawaii QB Colt Brennan looks better than anything the Bears have.

Overall Season Record:  4-7

NFL Week 11 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Steelers (-9.5) over the Jets

Let's see, the Jets are awful against the run and Pittsburg loves to run the ball, even with Big Ben airing the ball out more this season.  This game has blowout written all over it.   

So Jet's fans, how's that Thomas Jones trade working out for you?  Not that we in Chicago have much to brag about, but the consensus opinion at the time of the trade was that the Jets got a steal.   While Cedric Enis, er Benson, is plodding away at 3 yards per carry, Thomas Jones isn't exactly lighting it up either (when he's not hampered by injuries).

If there's one thing we know post-trade, it's that the Bears offensive line was suspect/borderline shitty last season too.  Their inability to open solid running lanes was masked by the cut-back running style of Thomas Jones.  When Jones took the hand-off from Grossman and realized his blockers hadn't cleared any space, he was able to manufacture extra yardage.  Even then, he still danced around the backfield too often and was never able to break off any long runs.

So it should be no surprise that Benson is struggling.  He is strictly a straight-ahead, power runner; if the hole isn't open, he's not going anywhere.  I've seen better run blocking from plastic lineman on an electric football table than what the Bears have shown this year.

Now both of these running backs, in the right offensive system, still have time to be successful.  So Bears GM Jerry Angelo must bear some responsibility for assembling such a dysfunctional offensive roster.  But an anti-Angelo tirade at this point would take weeks to compose.

How's that for some quality Steelers/Jets match-up analysis?

Overall Season Record: 4-6

NFL Week 10 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Bears (-3.5) over the Raiders

If the Chicago Bears don't win this game in convincing fashion, the sportswriters are going to have a field day.  Lovie, his coaching staff, and his players have had almost two weeks to prepare for this match-up.  Two.  Weeks.

The future of Cedric Benson's career with the Bears hinges upon this single game.  If he doesn't plow through the Raiders porous run defense for more than 100 yards, he's gone next year.  Rex Grossman is already playing his final season as a Bear, and could probably use a fresh start.  Lose this game, and several other players will likely be joining Rex and Cedric on their way out.

Now, if the Monsters of the Midway are going to lose these games, the least they could do is cooperate with these supposedly lead pipe picks.  I guess that's why I'm no millionaire. 

Ahh, to be exceedingly rich.  The first thing I would do is throw a huge outdoor pool party where little Mexican midgets walk around serving nacho chips and salsa via oversized sombreros affixed to their heads.  I think I saw it in a movie once.  Juan, time to strap on the pico de gallo hat.  Miguel, tonight you're working the guacamole sombrero.   Now who's hungry?

Overall Season Record: 3-6

A Dear John [Paxson] Letter

Dear Mr. Paxson,

Kudos for resurrecting the franchise from the burnt ashes of Jerry Krause's player selections and assembling a deep roster of solid NBA players and high class individuals.

However, I fear the non-Kobe trade, your unwillingness to trade Luol Deng, and your reluctance to part with Ben Wallace will haunt the future success of the team.  Don't fall in love with your players, John.  I do this all the time with my fantasy team players and it never works out well.  Trust me.  And don't be afraid to take advice from someone whose only team he's ever managed exists in fantasy land.

It's okay to trade good players.  Nice guys don't always finish 1st in the NBA, so you don't need your entire roster to be squeaky clean.  Now you don't have to go Portland JailBlazer on us, but drafting a Tyrus Thomas once in a while is not anything to feel ashamed about.

Luol Deng is a model NBA citizen, an ambassador for the league, and an all-around solid player with an extremely high basketball IQ.  Unfortunately, he can't beat anyone off the dribble.  That's why he's never going to get the game winning shot attempt, no matter how short Ben Gordon is.

So if you need to move Deng and Wallace to get Kobe Bryant, then you do it.  Kobe not only gives you a clutch shooter, but he commands foul call respect from the officials, which is something no one on the Bulls roster can claim.  It's time to sell high, John.  The more losses this team picks up, the more Deng's offensive limitations are exposed, and the more Ben Wallace's eroding rebounding ability is on display, the more leverage you stand to lose.

Pairing Kobe's scoring with Ben Gordon would be lethal.  The only untouchables on your roster right now should be Gordon, Tyrus Thomas (a beast in the making), and Nocioni (a fearless, versatile player off the bench).  Everyone else, including quick-foul Kirk, should be on the market. 

Sincerely,

One Bulls Fan

2 Things Johnny "Red" Kerr does NOT like: the Ayatollah and the Bulls Offense

During what must have been the 50th jump shot attempt by the Bulls with plenty of time on the shot clock and no one under the boards to rebound, Bulls color man Johnny "Red" Kerr muttered something to the effect of:

"Trying to say something nice about the Bulls offense right now is like trying to say something nice about the Ayatollah."

Thanks Johnny.  I can assure you that plenty of Bulls fans watching at home had a few choice words about the Bulls 0-3 start, especially during the latest 72-78 loss to Milwaukee.

Even for a struggling Bulls team, how do you lose to the Bucs?  Milwaukee must lead the league in 6'8+ goons coming off the bench.  Michael Ruffin, Dan Gadzuric, and Jake Voskuhl.  Seriously, do you need all of these guys?  How am I supposed to interpret this roster composition as anything other that 18 fouls waiting to be administered?  Still, Milwaukee only had 16 points in the paint, and yet the Bulls still lost.

Meanwhile, where is Ben Wallace with under 5 minutes to go and the basketball bouncing around like a beach ball out there after every shot?  This is not a good sign.   

Typically, the Bulls never get off to good regular season starts, but after 3 games there are already some alarming trends - questionable shot selection, lack of inside scoring, and poor defensive rebounding.

When your shots aren't falling and the other team is making a run, the game can get away rather quickly.  What you need to do is drive into the lane, draw shooting fouls, and slow down the opponent's momentum.   Do you think Kobe Bryant in a Bulls uniform might have helped last night?  I wonder if he's available...

NFL Week 9 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

Patriots (-6) over the Colts

New England is not only undefeated against the NFL, but they're undefeated against the spread in 2007.  With the hooded grim reaper coaching the Pats and running up the score on every opponent (25+ pt. average victory margin), we could see a repeat of the Patriots - Cowboys game a few weeks back.  Granted the Colts are better than the Cowboys, undefeated, and playing at home, but none of this will matter against the Patriots.  And especially so if Marvin Harrison remains sidelined for the Colts.

After getting busted for camera espionage, this New England team is clearly running in "Fuck You"-mode against the league office and its weekly opponents.  However, compiling all of these 4th quarter touchdown passes when the game is already a forgone conclusion will ultimately come back to haunt the Patriots.  The football gods will have their vengeance, but right now the evil Boston sports empire (see Red Sox and Celtics) is having its day.

So how do you deal with the Patriots?  Last week, when the Patriots crushed his Redskins, Joe Gibbs made a statement by running off the field and refusing to meet Belichick for the traditional coaches' handshake.  Gibbs didn't elaborate on his actions, but obviously he doesn't approve of the Patriots level of sportsmanship.  I hope to see more coaches do the same, especially if the Patriots continue marching towards an undefeated season. 

Now fast-forward to week 16, when the Dolphins have to travel to Gillette Stadium to receive yet another beat down from the Pats.  Why even travel up to New England at that point?  It will be 2 days before Christmas and cold as hell up there.  With season ending injuries to Trent Green and Ronnie Brown, coupled with the trade of Chris Chambers, the Dolphins season is effectively over this year.  So could you imagine if the Dolphins considered forfeiting the game?  Can a team even do that?  What are the league rules surrounding this scenario?  Dear Santa, I soooooo want these events to play out.

Until then, the Patriots juggernaut rolls...

Overall Season Record: 3-5