The Game High

Authorities said Captain America was in possession of a large burrito and drugs.

Great headlines from local news sites often reveal hilarious quotes.  While there is nothing funny about the crime, the suspect in a full-on Captain America costume is rather amusing.

What does this have to do with the Bulls' two-game dominance over the Heat?  Probably nothing.  Unless you follow the superhero theme of Miami's self-proclaimed super duo: Batman (Shaq) and Robin (Wade).  It's seems that being a masked crusader isn't much fun these days.

So, yes, the Bulls have defended their home court advantage and head down to Miami, a city that was rather unkind to another Chicago sports franchise this earlier year.  I'm still hesitant to call this series a lock for the Bulls until Game 3 plays itself out (meaning, how tight/loose the refs call the game).  The Heat threw in a few cheap shots toward the end of game 2 and Riley is a master at transforming his role players into menacing thugs.

However, the world is quickly growing sick of the Miami Heat.  From their fans attempting to white-out their entire stadium, to hearing that seizure-inducing "LET'S GO HEAT" track pounding from the stadium sound system.  The Bulls will be doing the world a great service by knocking the Heat out of the playoffs asap.  The world cannot handle another scene like this. 

Maybe the Bulls can make a deep playoff run and become America's favorite basketball team.  Sound cheesy enough?  Well, seriously, the Chicago Bulls are everything the NBA league office desires as a representative of professional basketball.  Play hard... never quit... don't get arrested...you know the drill.  Maybe then Bulls fans can all dress like Captain America for home games and Taco Bell could sponsor burrito give-aways.

Bulls vs. Heat Playoff Preview

So it's been a year now, and here the Bulls are again, staring at a first round matchup against the Miami Heat.  Fools.  Like any nightclub or bar, the NBA playoffs is a 16-team party.  And the Bulls staggered around this party all season, trying to find an easy hook-up for the night.  But it's closing time, they just got shot down by New Jersey, and now the only prospect left is that fat chick at the end of the bar, otherwise known as Miami.  (Miami and fat chicks - maybe this was a poor analogy).

Anyway, it didn't have to be this way.  The Bulls could have had a cake walk first-round matchup against the Wizards, but they decided to let the Nets' Mikki Moore (can we call him nappy headed?), Josh Boone, and Bostian Nachbar go off for 52 combined points.  50 wins and the #2 seed would have been a milestone achievement for this franchise, but the Bulls always seem to make things harder for themselves.

At least this playoff series will provide a solid measurement of how much (or little) the Bulls have improved since the Heat knocked them out of the playoffs last year.  The Bulls probably played the Heat the toughest of any of their playoff opponents and had them on the ropes in that series.  But Riley had his team start double-teaming the Bulls guards off their high pick-and-roll screens and the series was basically over.  The Bulls smallish guards continually failed to split the double-team and their big men couldn't coordinate any "rolls" to the basket.

So what did the Bulls do that offseason to address the team's deficiencies that were exploited by the Heat?  Well, they increased their backcourt size, upgraded their athleticism and increased their frontcourt "length" by drafting Thabo Sefolosha, Tyrus Thomas and signing Ben Wallace. 

Hopefully, Skiles will figure out a way to use Thabo and Tyrus effectively.  If I see Chris Duhon chasing after the Heat's Eddie Jones as he nails three-pointers from the wing, I'm going to vomit.  I will also puke if I have to hear Bill Walton ramble through another Bulls game telecast.  There's nothing worse than watching a Bulls big-game collapse during a Walton broadcast, as they did against the Nets and Cavs recently, AND have to listen to Walton's buffoonery.

PREDICTION:  HEAT over BULLS in 6, horrendous officiating, and multiple regurgitations.

Thabo "I'm Lovin' It" Sefolosha Delivers the Big Macs

Embodying the stubborn, never-say-die attitude of their coach, the Bulls players refused to let their fans go home without their free Big Macs.  After the controversial failure to deliver the arterial clogging Mickey D's on Tuesday against the Knicks, it was Thabo Sefolosha hoisting a shot-clock buzzer beating three-pointer with 3 seconds left in the game tonight. 

Oh, the Bulls amassed the 100 requisite points for free Big Macs against the tattered remains of the Charlotte Bobcats, in case you cared.  It was nice to see the Charlotte not whine like little bitches after Thabo sank the 3-pointer.  But I'm sure Mr. T-squared himself, Tyrus Thomas, was ready yell down any Bobcat who dared question his team's burger quest.

Also of note was the back court experiment coach Skiles seems to be conducting in these final regular season games.  After firing a 3-point air ball in the 3rd quarter, Chris Duhon found himself parked on the Bulls bench while Ben Gordon and Thabo got extended playing time handling the guard duties.  While Duhon may take more charges and dish out a few more assists, Sefolosha is on pace to push Duhon out of the rotation with his length, shot-blocking, and vastly improving offensive game.

Now, if the Bulls can find a way to turn their clutch, burger shooting prowess into offensive consistency come playoff time, the Bulls can pretty much pencil themselves in to the Eastern Conference Finals.

The Mighty Urinal Trough

As the Cubs Monday home opener against the Astros nears, we must pause and recognize the glorious monument to excremental efficiency that is the urinal trough.

[Above photo depicts a urinal trough in the wild.]

Among the many historical treasures one may find at Wrigley Field, the urinal trough under the outfield bleachers remains the ballpark's hidden gem.  Strong.  Reliable.  Resilient.  Forgiving.  While the players and fans bask under the daytime sun, the trough performs its masterful work in the underbelly of the stands.  For 81 games, it dutifully recieves a liquid onslaught that is unsurpassed by any other receptacle in the world.

As far as I can tell, amongst Chicago's sporting venues, the only remaining trough stands at Wrigley.  Soldier Field once hosted a glorious trough spectacle at the halftimes of Bears games.  But then a spaceship landed on it, and the bathrooms got all fancy with their urinals.   

So how come the bathroom room floor at Wrigley is so wet and dirty by the 4th inning?  Well, the mighty trough can only do so much.  It can't hold your penis or correct your drunken aim.  So remember kids, respect the urinal trough and you will reap the rewards of having dry shoes.