The Game High

Keeping Warm: Gorilla Suits and Other Outdoor Fashions

Amidst all the Hallmark-holidays we are subjected to, you may have forgotten that today is National Gorilla Suit Day.  Of course, every day is gorilla suit day for the guy who stands in the Loop in downtown Chicago, handing out free passes to Gorilla Gym.  But given the sub-Arctic temperatures and wind chill going around these days, a gorilla suit might be a decent option for keeping warm.  Surely, a pack of gorillas-suited commuters piling onto a CTA red line train, all listening to iPods, would be a site to behold.

And if Gorilla suits aren't your thing, then perhaps a Bear or Colt costume would suit your needs.  Or maybe you just need a fine lady to keep you warm during these winter months.   But a word of caution.   If you find yourself getting intimate with one of these "females", you're about one muscle flex away from having your genitalia horrifically detached.  Not good.

Big Bears Positioned for Franchise Run

If the Bears win the Super Bowl, they could be setting themselves up for a pretty good run of championships.  And if that "if" becomes a "when" then the comparisons to the great Dallas Cowboy teams of the 1990s will begin.

The Dallas Super Bowl teams were lead by the "Big Three" - Troy Aikman at QB, Emmit Smith at RB, and Michael Irvin at WR - and complimented by a fast, aggressive defense.  In comparison, the Bears have the great defense, and their "Big Three" consists of Grossman, Benson/Jones, and Berrian.  Although, I guess the Bears running back combo makes it a "Big 3.5".

The Cowboys won their first Super Bowl with a collection of young players entering the prime of their respective careers.  The same could be said for the Bears.  Anyone watching the Bears this season, knows the Bears "Big 3.5" have room to improve (especially Grossman).  But it doesn't take an optimist to believe that Berrian and Benson will become the fixtures at the WR and RB positions for years to come.

Any team that is set at the three major positions on offense (QB, RB, WR) with a strong defense is poised to remain a Super Bowl contender.  Just ask the Indianapolis Colts.  For years, they'd had the big three spots locked down with Manning, Edge, and Harrison.  But the defense never showed up.  Now their playing with a "resurgent" defense (which I still contend is overrated) and an Addai/Rhodes running back combo and they're in the Super Bowl.

Now if everything goes according to plan, the Bears should win the first of many Super Bowls on Sunday.   And completing the Cowboys comparison, a retired Rex Grossman will someday be calling games with Joe Buck on FOX.  Bernard Berrian will be arrested on cocaine possession charges, somehow rebuild his image, and wind up on "NFL Sunday Countdown".   Thomas Jones will finish his career in Arizona, and emerge as a tap dancing fool on "Dancing with the Stars".  And Lovie Smith will somehow grow a silver, bullet-proof head of hair impervious to all Gatorade showers.  Jimmy Johnson would be proud.

Super Bowl Half Time Suggestion

Can VH1 crew for "Where Are They Now?" find The Shadows and get them on a plane to Miami in time for the Super Bowl? 

I can't remember the last time I sat through the Super Bowl half-time entertainment show.  Usually, the channel gets changed to some Playboy Bunnies on Fear Factor, the Lingerie Bowl, or some quality comedy from the Wayans Brothers.  The crowd consensus is to watch anything but some corporate sponsored mega-band ensemble.  Although, if it wasn't for Tivo, I would have missed NippleGate.

With musical performances consistently subpar and uninspired. my expectations are pretty low for Prince to belt out a predictable 80's musical montage this year.  So if we know the half-time show never works well, why not go in the other direction, and book something as absurd as possible.  For this, I submit "Apache" by The Shadows.

Free Kevin Garnett

So the Bulls beat the Dallas Mavericks last night, the team with the best record in the NBA.  Hooray.  And if it wasn't for a last second 3 point shot from Barbosa, the Bulls would have also beaten the Phoenix Suns.  Double hooray.  So if the Bulls can compete with the two most elite teams in the NBA, why should it even consider reshaping its roster?

Well, for one, playoff games are a lot different from regular season games.  Most NBA teams don't play with the level of intensity that the Bulls bring to every game.  To beat the Mavs, the Bulls had to go balls out for 48 minutes, and watching the game, you never got the sense that the Bulls would ever put this game away.  Come playoff time, the rest of the NBA teams will kick it up a notch.  But how much farther can the Bulls seriously raise their level of play?  I absolutely love this team's on-court intensity and pure effort, but I worry they'll be exhausted by April.

Also, the NBA playoffs are the time when star players often get star treatment.  Just ask any player that had to guard against Lebron or D-Wade in the playoffs.  Some of the foul calls these guys get are ridiculous.  And the Bulls don't have the players who will get the benefit of the doubt on foul calls in the playoffs.  Ben Gordon is the closest thing the Bulls have to a star player, but how many times is he going to barrel down the lane to draw a foul?  Luol Deng had a great game last night, but he got hacked repeatedly down low and never got a call.  Think he'll start getting them in the playoffs?

So what can the Bulls do to remedy this situation?  Trade for Kevin Garnett.  I'm sure I'm the first person ever to imagine such a trade because I'm a goddamn genius.  The remainder of this post will wait for you catch your breath and recover from the sheer brilliance of my suggestion.

Welcome back.   Now that we've decide we need KG, we have to figure out how to get him to Chicago.  This basically means finding the right combination of Bulls player salaries to match Garnett's $21 million salary this season.  Unfortunately, Timberwolves GM Kevin McHale has done an incredible job of making his team's roster virtually untradeable.

A quick look at NBA player salaries reveals some interesting facts.  Out of a 30 team league, the Bulls team salary is ranked #28 at $53.6 million, which I find remarkable (kudos to Paxson) given their overall talent and record.  The T-wolves are #12 at roughly $65 million, with KG's salary eating up almost a third of that amount.  [For comedic purposes, the Knicks are #1 at $139 million.  Go Isiah!]  Only two Bulls players, PJ and Big Ben, make over $4 mil while on Minnesota, seven players are over $4 mil.  This means that Trenton Hassel ($4.4 mil) is banking more cash right now than Hinrich, Noce, Deng, and Gordon.  Amazing.

So I spent some time on an NBA trade machine trying to come up with some trade options.  The Bulls would likely give up PJ Brown ($8 mil expiring after this season) and a combination of two other players.  The problem is the 25% trade rule of the Collective Bargaining Agreement which means the total salaries of players traded by one team not exceed that of players traded by the other team by more than 25 percent plus $100,000. So basically, the Bulls need trade enough salary to come within 75% of KG's $21 million contract. 

Based on numbers alone, the Bulls move could PJ, Nocioni, Duhon, and either Allen or Khryapa for Garnett.  But a 4-for-1 player deal isn't useful to Minny, so the the Bulls best bet is to have KG restructure his contract to a lower base.  Now a package of Brown, Nocioni, and Duhon, along with the Bulls' 1st round pick in the 2007 and 2008 (perhaps conditionally) drafts is more appealing.  Minny gets about $14 million in expiring contracts after this season, plus draft picks. 

The hope here is that these players are enough, and that Paxson doesn't have to part with Deng instead of Nocioni.  Parting with Tyrus Thomas or Sefolosha doesn't make sense at this point.  The Bulls worked too hard to get these guys and Thomas will be special.  He's already a phenomenal shot blocker (just ask Dirk Nowitzki and Shaq) and rebounder.  And the Bulls are young enough that giving up a couple first round picks isn't going to hurt them long term.  Besides, what rookie is going to come out of college and contribute before KG and Ben Wallace enter their final years?   KG would be a huge mentor to Thomas and just imagine a front line of Wallace, KG, and Thomas crashing the boards every night.

But what if McHale doesn't want to trade KG, you ask?  Well, how can the Timberwolves believe they can still build a contender around Garnett?  I'm talking to you, Minnesota.  You've had a Hall-of-Fame player on your team for 11 years now, and where have you gone?  Sure, you guys might make it into the Western Conference playoffs, but it would just be another 1st round exit for KG.  Come on, give the man a legitimate chance at an NBA Championship and sent him to his hometown Chicago. 

Oh, and forget about Gasol.  He's a defensive liability on a bad team.  And Memphis GM Jerry West still thinks he can fleece other teams like he did back when he served as the LA Lakers GM (he made the Clippers his bitch on multiple occasions).  Gasol isn't worth what the Bulls would have to part with to get him.

So in conclusion, the Bears win the Super Bowl and the Bulls are crowned NBA Champions with Garnett.  Done and Done.

Da Meat Hook Goes To Miami

As a follow-up to yesterday's post regarding stereotypical Bears fans heading to Miami, I offer this ray of hope:  a man nicknamed "Da Meat Hook" is going to Miami to witness the Super Bowl.

D-Meat, as I will call him for short, is an old college friend, a fanatical Bears fan, an avid drinker, and a ferocious eater.  I'm quite sure everyone had a friend like this in college, and if you didn't, I think you missed out.  While I'm ecstatic that this living "bull-in-a-china-shop" is going to Miami to represent the Chicago fan base, I hope to provide a little background on him to explain why.

Exhibit A. - Freshmen Dining.  In college, all freshmen were forced onto a meal plan that included an all-you-can-eat dinner every night at the student cafeteria.  Predictably, the food quality was suspect, at best.  Yet D-Meat was the only guy I ever saw go back for seconds.  In fact, he usually carried two cafeteria trays each time he loaded up on food.   D-Meat wasn't fat or out of shape by any means.  He was just a big ole boy and even displayed some athleticism (he was the starting quarterback for his high school team).  But make no mistake, the man's stomach was simply indestructible.

Exhibit B - The Case Chase.  For the unenlightened, a case chase is a drinking competition where the first team to finish a suitcase of beer (24 cans) wins.  It was myself and a friend versus D-Meat and another dude.  My buddy and I were in a boozing zone that afternoon, while D-Meat was clearly carrying his squad.  We were somehow all tied up after 24 cans, so we went to overtime (first team to get a 2 beer lead or reach 30 cans).  Did I mention that we had an audience of about 50 people watching this race?  Or that less than an hour and a half had passed?

Completely trashed, we all forged ahead to a 27 can tie.  Things get a little blurry at this point.  With vision seriously impaired, I remember seeing three images of D-Meat stumbling off to the bathroom to vomit.  It must have been an efficient vomit because he quickly returned, opened the beer cooler, grabbed a can and started to pound.  Then, with his free hand, he reached back into the cooler, opened a second can while simultaneously finishing the first beer, and subsequently powered through the winning beer.  Game over - 29-27.   D-Meat threw the final can down on the floor and walked out like a baseball player tossing his bat after jacking a walk-off home run.

Everyone was in shock at how we lost that case chase.  It happened so fast, no one could react.  Or maybe my liver simply shut down.  Afterwards, I congratulated D-Meat and told him he should add this experience to his resume, figuring his never-say-die work ethic is just what the college recruiters will be looking for come graduation.

On a side note, a 3-beer penalty was later instituted for vomiting during a case chase.

Exhibit C. - Wing Night.  If one so desired, a hungry soul could find a cheap wing night in Chicago 5 nights a week.   At the old Brother Jimmy's BBQ on Sheffield, Thursday nights meant .10 cent wings and $5 pitchers.  One glorious Thursday, four of us went there, including D-Meat, thinking we'd get a small order before heading elsewhere.  However, the place was absolutely packed, so we settled in at the bar and ordered 4 pitchers.  We maintained this 1:1 pitcher to human ratio for an eternity (over two hours) before a waitress came to seat us.

The conversation turned a bit ornery on the way to our table, and the exchange went something like this:

"We're ready to order" - D-Meat
"Okay, but let me seat you first" - waitress
"We're ready to order NOW"  - D-Meat
"Let me just..." - waitress
"NO.  NOW.  WE WANT 200 WINGS - HOT" - D-Meat
"Okay (relenting)" - waitress
"AND 4 MORE PITCHERS" - D-Meat

So we seated ourselves and waited until two steaming platters piled with wings arrived at our table.  For the next 25 minutes, no one said a word.  We all just tore into the wings.  We must have looked like four lions in the Serengeti Desert devouring a buffalo.  There should have been a documentary crew from Animal Planet on hand. 

One of the guys with us, Dave, considered himself a connoisseur of wings and had the misfortune of sitting across from D-Meat.  Dave tried to go wing-for-wing with D-Meat, but he stood no chance.  D-Meat was cleaning each wing in a single pull, literally sucking the marrow from the bones.  I must have put down about 40 wings, while D-Meat had to have eaten close to 70.

I woke up Friday morning and my body couldn't decide which was worse - the hangover from the beer or the indigestion from the wings.  I brushed my teeth twice and dragged my ass to work.  At the office, I was soon told the smell of wings was STILL on my breath, so I called D-Meat to see how he was doing.  Not surprisingly, he was fine.

So while Da Meat Hook may have gotten a little older, and his drinking habits may have subsided (an unverified rumor), his appetite remains strong as ever.  I wish him well in Miami and hope he finds some good eats.

South Beach Restaurants Ill-Suited for Carnivorous Bears Fans

It's a shame that only a little more than 17,000 Super Bowl tickets will be available to Bears season ticket holders.  But that isn't stopping many Bears fans from dropping 10 grand on airfare, hotel, and brokered tickets.   So once a Bears fan arrives in Miami, all amped up for the weekend, he must ask himself, "Where can I get me some food?"

Now I don't want to stereotype all Bears fans, or Chicagoans for that matter, as fat, obnoxious slobs.  Likewise, it's unfair to stereotype Miamians (that word just feels weird to type) as attractive, tanned, and well-manicured civilians.  But there's a reason all the top modeling agencies are head quartered in Miami and the Matadoors dance at the United Center.  Anyone remember "The Refridgerettes"? 

But if the "average" Bears fan can find (and pay) his way down to Miami, there could be an amusing collision of cultures in the Sunshine State.

Inevitably, thousands of Bears fans will descend upon South Beach like a pack of wolves in search of food.  And frankly, I don't think the restaurants down there will be able to keep cooking as fast as Bears fans are going to keep eating.  For one, the portions down there aren't exactly large.  And the outdoor seating can be somewhat cramped for a fan's backside.

Likewise, it would be most excellent to see shirtless fans, blinding white beer bellies and all, traversing the beaches along side the tanned and toned, bikini-clad natives of Miami.

Bears Crush America's Team. Next Up: America's Quarterback

Shame on everyone who doubted the Bears could win this game, at home, against the media darlings of the NFC, the New Orleans Saints.  Especially, Mike Downey of the Chicago Tribune and Sean Salisbury of the Moron Association of Former NFL players, for unequivocally declaring the Saints the better team.  To many, the NFC championship happened last week as the Saints - Eagles game.  The winner simply had to show up in Chicago to pick up their conference championship trophy.  Well, in the immortal words of Denny Green, "if you want to crown 'em!  Then crown 'em!"  But the Bears weren't ready to concede any sort of crowning to the Saints on Sunday.

Back to Salisbury, for a second.  This guy was obviously schooled in the Stephen A. Smith academy of sports commentary, exemplified by an incessant bellowing of brash and outspoken sound bites spewing from his mouth.  Last year, I think he almost came to on-screen blows with ESPN's John Clayton when predicting some playoff match-ups.  This year, he pulls double duty as an ESPN football analyst and as a supposedly "local" sports guy on Chicago AM radio.  Salisbury has once again proven the theorem that mediocre NFL player does not equal superior NFL analyst.  Listen to him sometime.  Salisbury is so jacked-up and simultaneously condescending/self-assured when he's mouthing off on ESPN that I'm sure he's sporting a rock hard erection during his entire news segment.  You're the man now, Sean!

Anyway, the Bears have once again silenced their critics to live another week (in this case 2 weeks).  Granted, some of the criticism was warranted, such as concerns over the Bears secondary, run defense, and quarterback position.  But come on, are you going to dwell on all the negatives or sit back and enjoy the ride?  In today's NFL, no team is without weakness.  Which brings us to the Indianapolis Colts.

If Patriots wide receiver Reche "Snake Eyes" Caldwell hadn't dropped two sure touchdown passes, perhaps New England would be playing in the Super Bowl rather than the Colts.  Someone should ask coach Belichick if he thinks Deion Branch would have caught those balls from Tom Brady?   

I can't get over the CBS camera's repetitive close up shots of Caldwell's face, featuring his completely bugged out eyes.   I haven't been more strangely intrigued by an NFL player's body part since I saw Merton Hanks' neck.  Someday, we'll have to come up with the All-Time Borderline-Deformity Team.  Sam Cassell's head and Rasheed Wallace's oil patch are mortal locks for the NBA version.  I need help.

My early thoughts on the Colts is that if the Bears commit to the run, they should steam roll the Colts undersized defensive line to a Super Bowl victory.  The Colts running backs are not as dangerous as the Saints tandem, which the Bears stuffed.  So the Bears can play their Cover 2 defense to lock up WRs Harrison and Wayne.  That leaves TE Dallas Clark as Manning's third receiver and option.  Clark caught numerous clutch passes from Manning on Sunday over the outmatched linebacker corps of New England.  No way Clark gets open like that against Urlacher or Briggs. 

So there's two weeks of media insanity until the big game.  At least we don't have to hear about Jerome Bettis being from Detroit this year.  Or any Super Bowl XX rematch stories involving the Patriots.  It will all be about Manning and his legacy.  Which after the Super Bowl, should hopefully solidify the comparisons to Dan Marino.

NFL Conference Championship Picks

This Chicago fan's emotional investment in the Bears is reaching precipitous levels.   My psyche may be too fragile at this point to watch the Bears in a bar surrounding by my boozing brethren.  A game of this magnitude could very well require the quiet solitude of my couch, where I can gather all the mental strength I need to focus on this game.  No bar crowds. No arms reaching over me for beer bottles and drink orders.  No long bathroom lines at commercial breaks.  No hastily cooked bar food handed to me in a red plastic basket on greasy wax paper.  No obnoxious Purdue alums sporting Drew Brees jerseys (god help them). 

No distractions.  Just pure televised football.  We shall see.

On to the picks...

Colts (-3) over the Patriots

Rooting for the winner of this game means deciding which team you actually hate the least.  Last week's post-game performance in San Diego by the Patriots put my hatred for them over the top.  And if that's not reason enough to hate Patriots fans and their entire team, here is another:

So the Colts have beaten the Pats in their previous two meetings, but don't the Pats have Tom Brady, the most disheveled coach in NFL history, and a proven track record of playoff success?  Yes, but so did the Detroit Pistons (minus Tom Brady, and Chuck Daly never paced the sidelines in a damn hoodie) until the Bulls finally overtook them.  Let's hope the Pats show a little more dignity than Isiah Thomas and his Bad Boys displayed when the Bulls swept their asses out of the NBA Playoffs and began their championship legacy.

Manning has waited his entire career for this game - at home, against the Patriots, and without former idiot kicker Mike Vandercrap.  This game might be the defining moment of Manning's career (no pressure Peyton).  So I see the Colts winning this game with a controlled passing game, adequate D, and the leg of ex-Pat Adam Vinatieri.

Bears (-2.5) over the Saints

The game plan for the Bears should be simple - stop Deuce, contain Reggie, and commit to running Jones and Benson.  Reggie Bush could go for 70 yards on any play.  Meanwhile, I don't think longest run by any Bears running back is beyond 35 yards this season, and frankly, I'm too lazy to check.  But in a game with frigid temperatures expected on Sunday, this could actually be an effective means of ball control against a dome weather team.  The Bears ground attack is much like a plodding CTA bus, slow moving and eventually it will wear you down.

Fortunately for the Bears, the Saints offense is not exactly a physical bunch.  And this plays right into the hands of the overall team speed on the Bears defense.  It will probably be up to Ricky Manning Jr. to hold containment on Reggie Bush while Urlacher and Briggs keep Deuce under wraps. 

If the turf on Soldier Field is anything like it was last week against Seattle (crap), the special teams will be a huge factor.  If the Bears can avoid dumb penalties on kick returns, I envision Devin Hester taking a return back for a TD.  Assuming he actually fields the ball cleanly, he proved last week that he remains ridiculously elusive regardless of the field conditions.  On the other side, the Bears need to improve their own kickoff coverage or the Saint's return/beer man Michael Lewis will hurt them.  Remember, the Bears allowed the Seahawk's Nate Burleson to get past the 30 yard line on just about every kick sent his way.

But enough talk.  Let's get these games on.

Overall Record to Date:  4-4

Dirt Bike Poetry from Dare Bear

I never heard of Walt Whitman doing anything this impressive.  Of course, big Walt didn't have dirt bikes in his day.  For more poetry and hilariously awful videos, be sure to check this dude's web site.

Mentally Nudging the Bears to the Super Bowl

There's something refreshing about spending time on a tropical island during the Chicago winter months.  Besides the obvious benefits of fun in the sun, time away from Chi-town allows one's mental sports palate to be cleansed.   Down in the Bahamas, there's virtually no access to Chicago sports news, no neurotic sports talk radio, and no doomsday newspaper articles about the Bears.  In the immortal words of the rastafarian bartender serving me cocktails, there are "No worries, mon".  But during my mental BYE week from Chicago sports, I couldn't help but ponder the following thought: 

Can the mental state of an entire fan base will it's team to success or failure?

As evidence, I think back to the Steve Bartman game at Wrigley in the NLCS.  I resisted believing in the Cubs chances of getting to the World Series all year.  I was a doubter throughout the Atlanta series and most of the Florida series.  But then, with the Cubs two outs from going to the World Series, I let myself believe it.  I let my guard down and allowed myself the mental ecstasy of envisioning the Cubs in the World Series.  We're fucking going the the World Series!  Then IT happened.

Now, the Cubs epic collapse cannot be put entirely on Bartman, but no one in Chicago can deny the emotional mood swing that he sparked (Moises Alou's reaction didn't help either).  Watching that play caused my stomach to turn.  And I'm fairly certain millions of viewers quickly entered into a state of shock and anger.  Wrigley Field became the epicenter of a wave of negative energy that pulsed outward across the entire city of Chicago.  With all the negative thoughts coursing through Cubs fans heads, was some sort of collective karmic energy unleashed upon the Cubs?  Remember, the Cubs still had to lose Game 7 to fully be denied a World Series trip.  Yet, there was more than enough lingering Game 6 anger to supply the negative mental energy needed to crush the Cubs.

So if we believe that the collective thoughts of an angry, disillusioned fan base can derail a team's success, can the reverse be true?  Can a fan base literally will its team to victory with its unbridled support and positive faith?

Exhibit A for this argument would have to be the 1985 Super Bowl Bears.  Chicago's rabid football fans had an unrivaled love affair with that team which will never be repeated.  Not even if the Bears win it all this season.  In 1985, Bears fans had entered a mental state of delirium.  There was no way the Bears weren't going to physically destroy any team in its path.  As the season wore on, the team got better, and the defense even more menacing.  By playoff time, no one could even score on them until the Patriots mustered an early field goal in the Super Bowl.  The SNL Super Fans proclamation of "DA Bears" dominance was no exaggeration of how Chicago fans truly felt.

So with an entire city mentally behind them, was there any chance the 1985 Bears would not take the Lombardi trophy home?  Was it a coincidence that possibly the most dominant season every played (Dolphin fans, don't get me started) just happened to occur when this city's football fans were insanely behind them?  Perhaps it was the Bears 1984 season that got the karmic energy going, but after the 1985 Thanksgiving demolition of the Dallas Cowboys you could not find a Bears fan who thought that team was NOT going to the Super Bowl.

Which brings me to this year's Chicago Bears.   Who cares if the defense has issues stopping the run, or if the offense is inconsistent?  If this city puts it's negative thoughts and doubts regarding the Bears aside, and puts itself in a positive state of mind, maybe we can mentally nudge these Bears into the Super Bowl.  So let's bring back the Super Fans.  Let's have the sports talk radio discussing how many times we think the Bears defensive line will crush Drew Brees.  I want sports writers composing essays on how many players on this team will be enshrined in Canton, Ohio.  Remember, the Saints come into Chicago as America's sentimental favorites.  So the Bears need all the mental energy we can give them.

BEARS 35, SAINTS -12.  THEY WILL FIND A WAY, MY FRIENDS.

[Maybe I got a little too much sun last week.]