The Game High

NFL Week 17 Leadpipe Lock Pick

When it comes to picking games, the final week of the NFL season is pretty much a crapshoot.  Teams with playoff spots secured typically rest their starters for all or some portion of their game.  Then there are the teams with nothing left to play for that have to shake off holiday hangovers and rely on their head coaches to provide them the proper motivation to even take the field.  So the key to analyzing the game matchups is to look at team chemistry and "momentum".  So without further adieu...

This week's lock:   

Redskins (+2.5) over the Giants

So the Redskins have lost 3 of 4, but they played tough against each opponent.  They beat the Saints in New Orleans, and kept it close against the Rams, Eagles, and Falcons.  At 5-10, their playoff aspirations ended long ago, but Joe Gibbs has his team show up ready to play each Sunday. 

The same cannot be said about Tom Coughlin and his Giants.  Losers of 6 out of their last 7 games, the Giants stopped playing football almost 2 months ago and yet in the inferior NFC, they still have a chance to make the playoffs with a win over the Redskins.  But the Giants have been in freefall mode since early November, so why start playing now?   In fact, if it wasn't for a victory over the Panthers ("quarterbacked" by Chris Weinke), the Giants would be riding a 7-game losing streak. 

The Giants season has been a train wreck and no one can convince me that Tiki Barber's retirement comments were not a major distraction.  When a player says he's hanging it up because he doesn't have the desire anymore, that's fine.  But when a player makes these comments midseason AND he's your starting tailback, that's just horrible.  Tiki's mentality, or lack of passion, will spread like a cancer in the locker room, where players need to know their teammates are not abandoning them after the season. 

If I told my employer "you know, I just don't enjoy what I'm doing here anymore, but I'm going to stay here for 3 more months collecting paychecks and then move on to another job", I would be fired on the spot.  Similarly, the Giants should have benched Tiki and handed the starting running back duties over to the capable Brandon Jacobs.  But they didn't, and now it's time to reap the rewards.  Happy betting.

Overall Record to Date: 2-1

Top 5 Worst TV Commercials Endured This NFL Season

Watching 17 weeks of NFL football means sitting through a LOT of commercials.  Having the NFL Sunday Ticket only exacerbates the situation.  No matter how much channel surfing you're doing, you simply cannot avoid today's multi-million dollar advertising campaigns aimed squarely at you, Mr. NFL Fan.

#5 - Anything involving Erectile Dysfunction

I can't even remember which ad belongs to which Pharmaceutical company anymore.  But the absolute dumbest ad has to be the one where a middle-aged man is sitting on the couch watching baseball when his disproportionately hot wife/girlfriend invites him into the bedroom for some good loving.  He solves the major dilemma of having to choose between sex and sports with the use of drugs and a VCR to record the game. 

So faced with the choice of intimacy with your girl and watching the ball game, you pop a VHS tape into your VCR and march off to the bedroom?  First off, if you're going to embrace modern medicine, you might as well embrace modern technology and get yourself a Tivo.  Second, if you were a real man, you would ask your wife to blow you while you watched the baseball game.

#4 - Every Fathead Poster Ad

Has the poster, as a consumer good, ever had a bigger marketing campaign?  Yes, these posters are big and transportable.  They are also ridiculous.  Who would put such a monstrosity in their home, besides a Steeler fan?  Although, this well-trained eye did notice that the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are now available in Fathead form.  But I'll leave the obvious jokes involving cheerleaders and fat heads up to you.  In the meantime, I'll keep watch for the MTV Cribs episode where we see Fathead posters pasted up everywhere in Ben Roethlisberger's and Chad Johnson's homes.

#3 -  Subway Sandwiches with Michael Strahan

Words cannot describe the extreme discomfort you will experience watching Michael Strahan and former fat man Jared Fogle debate the merits of Subway sandwiches.  It's the classic "Tastes great/Less filling" argument, adapted and/or plagiarized to "More meat!/Less fat!"  Sadly, I cannot find a link to it anywhere on the web.  The commercial climaxes with Strahan yelling "MEAT! MEAT! MEAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! MORE MEAT!" which sends Jared into giggling convulsions.   

Watch this ad enough times and you'll want to bitch slap Michael and Jared with a foot-long loaf of stale Subway bread.  I only hope someone has tipped off Strahan's mom as to what her son is doing, so if he ever shoots another Subway ad, she will show up at the recording studio and drag her boy off by his ear, screaming, "what the hell are you doing with that white boy?"

#2 - NFL Replay on the NFL Network

Warning:  If you see this commercial, there is a strong possibility that its song will permanently brand itself into your skull.  The entire commercial is over-the-top cheese and I can't believe the NFL Players Union allowed some of its members to participate in this nonsense.  The ad features numerous players such as Ocho Cinco, Warren Sapp, Jeremy Shockey, and Tony Gonzalez. 

Between Fathead ads, ESPN promos, and NFL Network commercials, I have seen enough of Chad Johnson's teeth to last a lifetime.   And if Warren Sapp suddenly bolted out from behind my couch and burst into song, I might piss myself in laughter.  Or call the police.  Either way, this ad doesn't need to be televised.

#1 - Chevy Silverado Trucks - "Our Country"

So much has already been written about this steaming pile of excrement, that there's nothing much left that I can offer on John Mellencamp's complete sellout and Chevy's marketing strategy.  The 9/11 clips and nuclear explosions have been cut from television spots, but rednecks across the country continue to raise their cans of Schlitz in unison when this ad comes on in their trailer homes.  I much prefer this satirical version.   

Fatheads in Pittsburgh

Can we get an estimate on the number of Ben Roethlisberger fathead posters that were torn down in Pittsburgh last Sunday? 

The Pittsburgh Steelers mighty defense of their Super Bowl crown ended with a whimper after getting demolished by the Baltimore Ravens.  Frankly, the Steelers never should have won the Super Bowl if it weren't for some extremely dubious calls by the referee crew.  And one might argue that had Carson Palmer's knee not been blown out by a diving Kimo von Oelhoffen in the AFC wild-card game, the Bengals would have eliminated the Steelers from the playoffs.

Ironically, it was a mid-season victory over the Chicago Bears that propelled the Steelers into the playoffs and onto the Super Bowl.  But while everyone in the media was cooing over Ben Roethlisberger, I always found him to be overrated.  And setting aside the motorcycle accident and appendectomy he experienced this year, I think he's shown all the praise that was heaped upon him was a little overblown.  Let's not forget the stellar 22.6 passer rating he put up for the Super Bowl.  It was always the players surrounding Roethlisberger that made Pittsburgh a successful team, not him.

Now, nothing represents the "what have you done for me lately" mentality of NFL fans better than these Fathead posters.  Besides it's enormous size, the transportability of a fathead poster is it's most marketed feature.   As I'm sure most hardcore Steeler fans have their Big Ben posters prominently displayed in their living rooms, it's quite easy to envision them moving Ben to a room more deserving of his Sunday quarterbacking performances, such as the laundry room or outhouse.

But I recall my early days as a Bears fan, when posters of NFL players were less obnoxious and had more wall-staying power.  Well before the days of that plastic putty stuff, posters had to be glued, taped, or pinned onto a wall surface.  So if you were putting up a poster of a sports athlete, you had better make it count.  The Bears '85 defense was immortalized in "The Junkyard Dogs" poster, which must have been stuck to my bedroom wall for 7 years.  And then there was my old school, Sports Illustrated poster of Dan Hampton.  No matter how many off-season knee surgeries the Danimal had, his poster never came off my wall.

Gambler's Paradise

If the 2006 NFL season has taught us anything this year, it's that past performance is no indicator of the future.   Take this latest NFL holiday weekend as a prime example.  The underdogs went 13-3 against the spread, with only the Chiefs, Rams, and Bears managing to cover.  The Rams needed overtime and a huge fantasy output from Steven Jackson to get past the Redskins.  The Bears came within a Mike Williams endzone catch of losing their game and squeaked past the pathetic Lions.  And the Chiefs, well, they played the Raiders.  Even more amazing is that 11 of the 13 underdogs won their games outright!

The underdog teams have been on a roll all season long, but this is getting out of hand.  However, from a gambler's perspective, it's a great feeling knowing you're best bet is to simply pick the underdogs on every matchup.

The NFL's efforts to create league parity are having a significant impact on the lines set by Vegas.  Just about all the game lines are hovering between 3 and 5 points.  It's almost as if Vegas is admitting "we don't have a damn clue anymore".  For week 16, only two matchups had spreads of 7 points or more, the Colts at -9.5 and the Cowboys at -7.  And true to this season's trend, both teams lost badly to their opponents.

NFL Week 16 Lead Pipe Lock Pick

So last week's pick didn't exactly work out.  The subpar game planning abilities of Marvin Lewis and his coaching staff were on full display against the Colts.  And I think it's safe to say we won't be seeing the Bengals advancing very far in the playoffs, assuming they even get in.  But let's not live in the past.

This week's "candy" game:

Chiefs (-6.5) over Raiders

At 7-7, Kansas City is desperate for a win and the hapless Raiders should be a pushover.   How in the world Oakland was favored by 2.5 points last week against St. Louis is beyond comprehension.  Plus, this might be one of the last games of the Art Shell era, Disaster II.   

Oakland is on a 7-game losing streak in which their offense has not scored more than 14 points.  This also includes putting up two donuts on the scoreboard, last week being the most recent.  And let's not forget that Oakland's offensive coordinator is none other than Mr. John Shoop!  Yes, that John Shoop, the man who was arguably the worst non-head coach ever employed in the history of the Chicago Bears franchise.  To this day, simply reading his name will cause the blood of any Bears fan to boil.   So let's savor these last couple weeks of the Oakland season.

A Sporting Request for Santa

Dear Santa,

I realize there's only a few remaining days before your jolly red posterior comes sliding down my chimney this year, but I was hoping you would take my Christmas wish list under consideration.  It's not a list really, but a single item whose acquisition may require the use of time travel.  But I figure if you can get your sleigh to cover the earth in a single night, then you're the one who can make this happen.  So here goes: 

All I want for Christmas is a sports almanac covering the next 50 years in sports, 2007 through 2057.

Now, you're probably suspicious of my intentions for wanting such an item.  But I can assure you than I will not use this book for outrageous monetary gains.  I promise I will not build an evil casino empire like Biff Tannen did in "Back to the Future II" when he used the Grays Sports Almanac. 

Still, you must wonder, why am I willing to sacrifice one of the greatest benefits of following any sport, which is, to not know the outcome?  Consider the excitement of pre-game anticipation, the in-game rush of adrenaline, and the post-game feelings of elation or sadness.  All of this would be gone.  Without the unexpected nature and uncertainty of sport, none of these emotions are possible.

Well, here is my answer.  I have had it with not knowing.  I am sick and tired of investing countless hours every week pouring over stat lines, injury reports, team analysis, and ESPN SportsCenter episodes only to lose to some scrub, fantasy football team who just happened to start Desmond Clark at TE last week (125 yards, 2 TDs) or some other one-week wonder.  Therefore, I wish to begin a reign of domination upon all fantasy sports leagues, specifically NFL football and any NCAA bracket pools, that has never before been witnessed by this world.

Opposing teams will shudder in terror at my seemingly uncanny ability to make weekly waiver-wire pickup after pickup that always comes up smelling like roses.  Nothing will feel better to me than my ability to back-up all the trash-talking I will be doing in my league forums.  Although, I won't get cocky.  For instance, had I used the almanac last week, I could have picked up and started Tim Rattay (268 yards, 3 TDs) at my QB position, even though he was riding the bench for the first 30 minutes of his game at Soldiers Field.

And with all the hours I will be saving not agonizing over fantasy sports, I pledge to reinvest this newly available time into my family and friendships.  And isn't that what the Christmas spirit is all about?

So please Santa, give me this one Christmas miracle.  Oh, if you could please tear out the pages of the almanac covering this years NFL playoffs, that would be great.   I've got a bad feeling about the playoff-bound Bears, but I can't take knowing what will happen to them.

Sincerely,

One good little boy.

Why I stopped reading Rick Morrissey columns

Long ago, I gave up reading news columns by Tribune sports writer Rick Morrissey.  His columns always took some random angle on sporting news and his commentary always came off as whiny and misdirected.  But today, I couldn't resist the urge to follow a link to his latest verbal turd, "Bears talk of family but leave kid behind".  Oh no!  Did the Bears abandon some inner city youth program or bull-zone a homeless shelter for a new practice facility?  Hell no.

Apparently, Lovie Smith and the Bears ordered the firing of 23-year old college student, Bill Ociepka, from his statistician job at Fox Sports because he accidentally leaked the fact that Kyle Orton would start over Rex Grossman in the final game of the regular season.  Yes, this is last year's news.  And now, Ociepka is bitter than "Tank" Johnson was given a second chance by the Bears, but he was not.

First off, comparing "Tank" Johnson's and Ociepka's relationship to the Bears "family" is completely absurd.  Was Ociepka on the practice field for all the two-a-days in training camp?  Did he forge personnel relationships with Bears teammates, coaches, and staff over the course of 17 straight weeks of football?  If Lovie sits atop the Bears family tree, Ociepka should feel blessed just to be in the same forest.  Ociepka was so far removed from the inner circle of the Bears team/family, that despite whatever you think about "Tank" Johnson's actions, it's nonsense to think Ociepka deserved the same level of attention and forgiveness by the Chicago Bears.

How many college students would have killed to have Ociepka's job at that time?  FOX Sports had every right to fire someone who undermined their credibility.  And at 23 years old, it's better to make these mistakes early, learn from them, and move on.  Also, let's realize, for better or worse, the different standards of accountability pro athletes are given.  If I trash-talk, spit on someone, or go "Bill Romanowski"-style on a co-worker in my office, you can expect I won't be invited back the next day.

In the end, Morrissey's column was another total waste of print space.  And I can't believe I just took the effort to write about it, let alone read it.  Damn you, Rick.   

Lakers Team Bus Destroyed outside the United Center

Last night a wild pack of running bulls descended upon the city of Chicago, stampeded westbound on Madison avenue towards the Bulls stadium, and literally ran through the Lakers team bus parked outside the United Center.   The bus exploded into flames, lighting up the Chicago night sky just prior to the tipoff of the Bulls game.  Or at least that's what happened according to the video screens on the scoreboard inside the United Center.

Has anyone else noticed this new video shown as part of the Bulls player introductions for their starting lineup?  Until this year, the computer generated bulls simply ran to the stadium.  Exploding through the visitor's team bus is a new wrinkle.  Next year, can we ask these bulls to destroy the team bus, blow past stadium gate security, and storm the visitor's locker room to feast upon the human flesh of the players?

To enhance the experience, how about hiring arsons to truly ignite the visitor's team bus into flames.  Talk about intimidation.  What team would want to come into Chicago and beat the Bulls, knowing their team bus will be torched.  This season, Bulls coach Scott Skiles wants to limit the Bulls loses at home to less than 10 games.  Endangering the lives of visiting NBA players would certainly help him achieve such a goal.  Although, a few decades ago, the Chicago west side neighborhood alone would have been enough to thwart/intimidate/stab any visiting team.  (Except Detroit.  Nobody's violent, shady hoods can compete with Detroit.)

The Bulls have always been at the forefront of stadium theatrics.  As far as I can recall, they were the first team to dim the lights and crank up the music for the player introductions.  Over the years, they've added laser lights and CGI videos to the introductions.  And now, we've got exploding buses.  The future is now, fellow Bulls fans.

Wedding Proposal Inpired by Giordano's Pizza Commercial?

When you are stuffed onto the CTA red line during your morning commute, it's extremely difficult, and inappropriate, to leaf through the daily Red Eye newspaper.  All you can really do is stare at the back page for entertainment gossip and celebrity tabloid news.   And sadly, my knowledge in this sector of news has skyrocketed since I started riding the red line.

So what was I thinking when I read that The Donald's first "Apprentice" winner, Bill Rancic popped the question to his girlfriend?  Answer:  How is this not a remake of the Giordano's Pizza  commercial that airs on Comcast and WGN during every Bulls game? 

It is now pathetically obvious that I consume way too much television to make this analogy, but let's break it down.  The Giordano's commercial shows a young man taking his date to a Giordano's pizzeria.  But this is only after arriving with a limo to pick her up from the private jet she was flown in on.  In Rancic's scenario, he sent a limo to pick up his girlfriend, took her to a helipad where he was waiting with deep-dish pizza and champagne, and proposed during the helicopter ride. 

Air transportation?  Check.  Deep-dish pizza?  Check.  Limousine service?  Check.  Now if only the engagement ring was stuffed in the giant tomato that the Giordano's owner shows us at the end of his commercial, it would have been perfect.

Monday Night Football Fiasco

The quality of sports commentary on Monday Night Football has always been suspect, if not downright deplorable.   From 1987 to 1997, we had to hear Al Michaels, Frank Gifford, and Dan Dierdorf spout their nonsense.  Dierdorf was supremely annoying, and it's amazing to still see him covering NFL games on Sundays.  But at least these guys focused on the game, and although it seemed that they NEVER stopped yapping, you could gleam some interesting nuggets of football commentary from them.

But today, what I find most annoying about the MNF crew is what they are NOT saying.  Perhaps Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann, and Tony Kornheiser are too distracted with celebrity interview fluff pieces to actually pay attention to the field. 

For instance, last night Cincinnati had 4th and 10 at their 47 yard line, trailing the Colts 16-31 with 11:22 left in the fourth quarter.  Given the ease at which Indy's offense has moved the ball, and the fact that you're down two touchdowns, would Cincy consider going for it on fourth down?  This point isn't even raised by the three men with the microphones.  Joe Theismann notes something along the lines of "now it's 4th down, you have to punt".  Really?

Okay, so the Bengals punt to the Colts, who subsequently march from their 12 yard line to the Bengals 45 yard line with 7:45 left in the game.  So basically, the Bengals just lost 4 minutes off the clock and have the Colts right where they would have been, had the Bengals been stopped on 4th down.  Ridiculous.  Do Mike, Joe, or Tony even think to bring this point up?  Of course not.  What is most surprising is that Kornheiser, a man who makes his living second-guessing and critiquing everyone in sports, let's this go under the radar.  Shockingly, the Bengals go on to lose to the Colts 34-16.

If this is the level of quality that Monday Night football viewers are going to have to sit through, can ESPN at least bring back Eric Dickerson as a sideline reporter?  I'd much rather laugh at what is being said, rather than get angry at what is not being said.